Advice For Single Women

I recently wrote this to a young friend of mine when she asked me about relationships, so I decided to tell her what I learned and what my female friends have learned as well (Many of them having been married for MANY years), and I wanted to share it with you.

1. Do not fall for guys who seem tough or like they "don't care what people 
think" or who seem extremely into themselves. Although that element of 
toughness/virility or danger might be exciting to a lot of women, I can tell you 
from my personal female friends that men who ride on the edge of toughness or 
danger make lousy boyfriends and even worse husbands. They cheat, treat them 
poorly because they're verbally or physically abusive, do reckless things with 
their bodies, have no minds that are capable of working out problems with their 
mates, and the list goes on and on and on. The more masculine a guy is, to be 
honest with you, the less of a good long-term partner he's going to make. Proven words 
by absolutely every single one of my female friends who have been in extremely long relationships.  Marriage, in effect, is one of the most unique things we as a human race has. It entails not only being with someone for the long haul, but it requires problem-solving abilities, passion and dedication both, compassion, the ability to compromise, extreme faithfulness, loving NOT what you "don't expect" but loving what to EXPECT because once we know someone SO well that's what we have to love, not the "newness" they can bring to our senses. And, let me tell you, most men like I listed above do NOT NOT NOT have those qualities.

2. Do not get involved with someone just because there's "some things" you love 
about him but he has so many bad things that you just hang on because of what you 
love. Let me tell you something about people you may not have realized yet. 
First off, people only change if they want to. Secondly, when they do change it's 
rare, and third, never think you can mend someone or "fix" them. This is real 
life, not Beauty and the Beast. In real life, in 99.9% cases all beasts are 
beasts. I have been in way too many relationships where women said they had 
changed or wanted to change for the better but not one of them did. When you're 
involved in a relationship like that two things happen. First, you resent them 
because they're NOT improving the things they said they were going to improve 
upon, and secondly they resent YOU for wanting them to change, even if they say 
they wanted to. So, overall, it's good to love everything about a person, because 
if there's deal-breakers, they won't get better. They just won't.

3. There's keys to compromising. The first thing you need to do is find out if  there's something you can do that will appease BOTH people so that whatever  decision is made both people will benefit from it, even if one or both people have to at least partially sacrifice something. Secondly, if that doesn't work if one person isn't completely set on their decision and can go either way, then they have to make the sacrifice for the greater good. And if no one wants to budge and a compromise can't be made, all decisions should be thrown out the window and they need to find a completely different way to tackle the problem. However, overall, decisions should only be made as a couple that will take BOTH people's lives into account. You always...always...must remember that if you're part of a couple, whether before or after marriage, that every single action you make can ultimately affect the other person in the relationship. So it's KEY KEY KEY to think not just as yourself anymore, but as a couple. If most people did that there would BE no problems in a relationship anymore. That's why it's called a "union." Otherwise, it's just two completely separate individuals living in the same place and if you think like that you're going to be constantly head-butting. So am I saying serious relationships and marriages are for everyone? NO! Actually, IMO too many people get married who should not, and many people who do not SHOULD. It requires a COMPLETELY different way of thinking to make it work long-term. This is what I as a single person who has had a lot of 2-3 year relationships has learned, and it's what a lot of my female friends who have had 10 year+ marriages have learned. 4. Never go to bed angry. Seriously. Resentment and anger only escalate if  problems are not solved immediately. Get the bad stuff out of the way and make up....fast...or else things will fester and down the road things will only be  worse. 5. Let your partner know everything about you...and I mean everything...good and bad or weird. That way, down the road they won't think they were involved with a stranger and be angry at you because they fell in love with someone they didn't even know. Then they'll start to view you in another light, so it's always best to come clean in the beginning. 6. Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever cheat or even put yourself in situations  where you're tempted. If your partner even SEES you in situations where you're  able to cheat like, say, you're in an exclusive relationship but he finds you're  on a dating site, even if you say you're just looking for "friends", every man  knows that a woman would not even want to be putting herself in the path of a  myriad number of single men with ulterior motives if she was happy and in love.  Want friends and you're in an exclusive relationship? Find them via your friends on facebook. Do NOT look for friends on a dating site because many people say they want friends on there, but they're saying that so people won't rush. So, just remember to always protect your relationship and make your partner feel safe.  That's very, very important. Without a feeling of safety, neither of you will feel like the other one is serious or means what they say. 7. Never rush to break up if there's a problem. I know that a lot of people do  that because they're trying to force the other person to react and then make up  and get back together, but sometimes...what happens is a breakup happens and then someone else steps into the picture and does something physical with one of them, but then when the original couple gets back together and the other person finds out about that, they feel like the "bond" they had with that one person is then broken, and then they no longer want to be with them. So, never, even in times of separation, should you break that bond if you're still in love with the person. Sometimes misunderstandings happen, and you never, ever want to throw a monkey wrench into the gears of love during a time when the clock temporarily stalls, because it could just be something temporary. 8. Remember...never concentrate on what a person can do FOR you or give you...but concentrate on who the person is. When you know someone SO well that "that" is what you love...knowing everything about them and being SO happy that's who they are....and that is what keeps you with them, then you know you've found what you should be looking for. If you concentrate too much on what they can do for YOU, then once that newness/freshness of the beginning of a relationship subsides, you might not feel the same once they've shown you everything that they can. So make sure never to fall into the trap of feeling like your senses need to constantly be refreshed/renewed to keep you happy. That's NOT what should be keeping you happy in a relationship. It's finding someone you admire and love and love knowing what to expect. Sure, some surprises are fun sometimes and will happen, but for the most part, knowing and loving what to expect is the KEY to any long-term successful relationship. If you can't do that, then you'll never last in a long-term relationship because you'll get bored really easily once the newness wears  off.

9. It's good to be honest and gentle, but sometimes it's good to sugar coat 
things to spare someone's feelings a little bit until they improve on something. 
Know when these times are. Every situation is different, you're just going to 
have to find out for yourself when the right times are to do what you need to do.

10. Always make your lover feel like they're the best you ever had when being 
intimate. Seriously. This goes for both men or women. The last thing anyone 
likes is to silently think they're not as good as someone else. This is one of 
the few times where fibbing might be important. HoWeVeR, and I am going to 
emphasize this, as time goes on and your love grows stronger for one another, lots 
of practice happens, and so on and so forth, in time they WILL be the best you 
ever had even if it doesn't start out that way JUST BECAUSE OF who you are with and what they mean to you, which will eventually emphasize ALL of your senses. 

11. If your core foundations don't match, then that's not the right person for 
you. If you're highly anti-drinking, anti-drugs, anti-smoking, want kids, 
marriage, etc. and you're highly adamant on those things, and he is not, then if 
not right away then down the road you're going to clash and the relationship will 
be destroyed. Period. Yes, you can have different interests as far as common 
interests are concerned as LONG AS YOU SHARE SOME so you have other stuff to do 
together BUT the primary things you TRULY AND WHOLEHEARTEDLY BELIEVE IN should match. If they don't, they might never match, and time is too precious to waste 
on the wrong person, and it causes too much heartache in the end to be worth it.

12. Remember that in life there's going to be good times and bad 
times...sometimes you'll be at the top of the mountain and sometimes you'll feel 
buried underneath it. Sometimes the skies will be sunny and other times life will 
seem dark and stormy and miserable. But as long as these are just about the 
"little things", things in life fluctuate. I've been at the top of the mountain 
and I've felt like I just stated to climb it, I've been on cloud 9 and in love so 
much to where the world seemed spinning, only to be followed by crying for 2 weeks 
under the cover because a woman cheated on me and broke my heart. I've had it 
all, and have had nothing. Things in life fluctuate. When you find someone who 
you know is worthy enough and will want to roll with you through those uncertain 
times in life, you'll know it by their strength, their dedication to you, and 
their passion to be with you. You'll just know they "have what it takes."

So, that's all the advice I can give you for now. My brain is pretty well tapped 
right now. :) I hope this helps. :)